Is Spying an Invasion of Privacy?
By Dr. Robert Huizenga
My, how the person involved in the affair cries foul when he/she discovers
you are spying.
Outrage can be intense: “How dare you!! I never thought you would stoop to that! How could you!? How can there
be trust in this relationship if you do that? This is none of your business; I don’t spy and go behind your back! Now you know why
I want to pull away from you. How could I love anyone that would do something like that to me? On and on.
Usually the person
having the affair does not see or will not admit the duplicity of his/her clandestine behavior. But you are made out to be the villain
if you use detective work to discover the truth. It doesn’t make sense, but then again not much about an affair borders close to sanity. Are you a morally corrupt duplicitous character hell bent on destroying the integrity of a relationship through spying? No, of course
not.
The integrity of the relationship has been destroyed through the affair. The
affair shattered the promises and mocked the
vows that the two of you made. The affair invaded the domain of your marriage and crumbled its protective boundaries. The affair broke
the contract of the marriage; it was the act of betrayal. Spying does not damage the marriage. It is an attempt to seek the truth
and resolve the pain and deception.
Spying is often used to grasp the reality of the situation. It’s intent is to find the truth.
Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a direction for the marriage and
enable each person in the marriage to attain health and sanity.
Spying is Not Revenge
By Dr. Robert Huizenga
Do not use what you find as ammunition for revenge. Sure, you may have wonderfully
violent fantasies of what you would really like to do to him/her and the other person. This is very normal. But, don’t act them out.
Using
what you find to extract revenge will only lengthen the time of pain and anger. It will undermine your integrity as a person, lower
your personal standards and make you exceedingly unattractive. Resist the temptation to sling the mud!
Keep what you find to yourself.
You spy because the truth will set YOU free. The quickest cleanest way to break free from the affair is to set your focus on you as
you navigate your way through the difficult weeks and months. The sooner the two of you can face each other, without outside input
or influence, the better of you and the relationship will be.
There usually is no reason to share new found information with
family, friends, children or the spouse of the other person. A concern about sexually transmitted diseases or health risks might be
an exception. If it is important to share such information, do so without much fanfare or drama.
And of course, if you pursue
legal action, any information obtained through spying is sometimes might be helpful to your attorney. Some “evidence” does carry weight
in particular states or districts.
If you have questions or are in need of support, please visit my site at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.
Dr. Huizenga
is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 20 years of professional experience, working with hundreds of couples and thousands
of individuals. He has done extensive research and study in the specialty area of extramarital affairs.
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